What's all the fuss about?...

I decided to succumb to all the hype and go see the Gates in Central Park, since it is the last day. Let's see what we've got here...........

Under the skirt view....I'm really trying to make these look interesting I swear!

This is it? This is what I came up here for? I feel like a midget in a construction zone!

Hey, I cut off a piece of the Gates!!! Is that illegal??? Chill out, Im only kidding. Of course I didn't cut it off. They were handing out swaches in the park.

I may not get what the Gates are all about but I sure do know what the pretzels are all about in Central Park....Snack Break!

What's the big deal with these things huh? Everyone's acting like they're sacred, or interesting. All they are is orange shower curtains hanging on orange plastic arches. I think I must be missing something...

OOOoooooh, look how orange they are!

There you have it, no big deal. Just a sea of orange silliness if you ask me! I'm going home.

WHY GOD, WHY????

I guarantee that guy is smiling under that mask. GUARANTEE!!

I have noticed some very strange things that I do, and I can't really explain any sort of logic for them. For instance...

Why do I nod my head when I am on the phone with someone? They can't see me. Am I doing it for reassurance for myself?

Why do I say ouch when I bump into an inanimate object, even if it does not hurt? And further, who came up with the universal word "ouch" for people to say when they get hurt? Why can't we say "snark!" or "flink!"? Lets not conform anymore. Next time you get hurt, whatever you do, DONT SAY OUCH!

Why do I smile when I am the person taking the picture? (on a related note, my friend Charmain confided in me that when she played Chuck E. at Chuck E. Cheese, she would smile in the pictures kids took with her eventhough noone could see her real face under a 10lb furry mask!) WHY, GOD WHY?

Funny Voice Mail

This is (allegedly) an actual voice mail from a guy that was calling his boss to tell him he would be late to work. The guy got sidetracked, however, when he witnessed an accident, then proceeded to give the play by play. The funniest part, I think, is the guy's laugh! I wish I had viewed this scene! Maybe its legit, maybe not, but either way it's funny... http://www.thenerdgroup.com/funnyvoicemail.wav

An Ode to Glasses

I have recently entered the world of the 4-eyes, and I can't help but think about this poem that I wrote for an english project when I was a kid. In it's original form, however, the words formed the shape of a pair of eyeglasses on a cartoon head that I drew....It was cute. Some of the artistic quality, therefore, has been lost in the reproduction, but here it is anyway...

Glasses

Metal, glass, or made of plastic
Red, white, green, or tan
Behind your ears or fixed with elastic
Made for woman or for man

They help you see things far away
And make the sky a brighter blue
Many wear them, and without them
Grandmas wouldn't know what to do.

They can shade you from the sunlight
Or aid you when you read
They can make you feel important
Or fulfill a basic need.

Glasses, Glasses, what an item!
Fun for boys and girls
With glasses you improve your vision
And magnify the world!

Strictly for Nintendo games

I was dealing with a minor malfunction with my laptop the other day and I started thinking. Remember when your "toys" could be fixed really easily by home remedies? Like, you could slap some electrical tape or Elmer's glue on your bauble of the day, and PRESTO! IT was good as new. OR, remember when you could fix whatever was wrong with your nintendo game by blowing inside either the game cartridge or the machine or both! Yup, one swift puff of the cheeks and VOILA, mario was getting sucked back into those green tubes like WHAT! Whatever happened to those days huh? Wouldn't it be nice if you could fix things today just by blowing on them. Imagine it, taking your car into the mechanic..."hey, uh, my car is making some strange noises and um, metal parts fly out when I drive. You think you can take a look and see what the problem is?" And imagine the mechanic opens up the hood, takes in a good strong pull of fresh air and empties his lungs on the inside of your vehicle! Nope, not gonna do the job this time! Or better yet, lets say we females go to the gynocologist...."Doc, I really don't know what's wrong. I've got some cramping and uh, I'm 3 weeks late. You think you can tell me what's wrong?" NOW, imagine the doctor straps you in, hoists your fanny up, spreads em wide and puffs his cheeks into your hidey hole! NOW, THAT SURE AINT FIXIN NOTHIN!.................It must just work for Nintendo

THIS is the CANTALOPE that I got delivered from Fresh Direct! THis is very funny, because I did NOT order a CANTALOPE, I ordered LETTUCE. They think I'm not gonna notice that I got a CANTALOPE instead of a head of LETTUCE? I don't care that the LABEL on the bag SAYS lettuce, I am still stuck with a cucumber, tomato, croutons and a FREAKIN CANTALOPE!

On my mind today...

I invented some things today. Well I didn't actually invent them yet, but I have some really good ideas for inventions. First, I want to invent pizza scented candles. I really love the smell of pizza, and when you like the smell of something you buy a candle that gives off that scent right? So why not have pizza scented candles. My aunt makes candles so I'm gonna pass along the great idea. Trust me, its brilliant!

Next, I had the genius idea for garlic and onion nutri-grain bars! Oh yeah, that's right, I said it. I like garlic and onion bagels....no I LOVE garlic and onion bagels, so why not make nutri-grain bars in garlic and onion? It would be a hit I swear.

How come some people use the verb "fix" as a synonym for "prepare" or "make"? For instance, my grandma always says, "I'm fixing dinner" or "why don't you fix yourself a sandwich", or "Hey, what are you fixing for lunch"? I'll tell ya what I'm fixing. I'm fixing my empty hungry stomach by eating a sandwich I have prepared!

Pedro for President! This is my friend Pedro. He is not running for president, but I think he should.

This is my friend Charmain, on New Year's Eve playing a show at the Majestic in Detroit. Charmain is in a HOTT all-girl rock band called HELLEN, which will be playing a show for Cistic Fibrosis at St. Andrews in March. Visit www.hellenofdetroit.com for more details.

JUSTIN: My favorite person in the whole entire world, the love of my life, and the hottest man on the planet! Notice how we do in Michigan with the snowy background, t-shirt, and wooly gloves!

WHAT WAS HE THINKING????

The Ladies of 2516- Behold the beauty of the BST!!

Do you ever...

Do you ever drink a bunch of coffee and water at work so that you'll have to pee a whole lot and that means you can look forward to leaving your desk to go to the bathroom several times throughout the day?

Do you ever create a running commentary in your head for your day's events as they unfold, complete with an anticipated Q&A session, just in case you should discover later that you are being secretly watched by millions in your own private reality soap opera like the Truman Show?

Do you ever chew your gum or grind your teeth to the rythm of a song that is playing only in your head?

Oh

Reincarnated in commercials

Have you noticed lately how many television and film greats from the 80s have been inconspicuously reincarnated in lame commercial roles? For instance Billy Jacoby, known mostly for his roles as Buddy Griffith, the scandalous little brother in Just One of the Guys(1985) and Parker Lewis Can't Lose. He is now selling tvs in a commercial for Circuit City. Or how about Simone (the read haired one) from Head of the Class? She's in a commercial for allergy medicine! Finally, and my favorite- Susan from Sesame Street is in an H&R Block commercial. This isn't like Jason Alexander selling Kentucy fried chicken. That was actually funny. Billy, Simone, and Susan are doing it because they actually need the money. For whatever it's worth, I recognized you guys, and hey, at least you're still "working"!

How do you know whether or not to believe the stories people tell on the subway to pursuade you to give them money? They always say, "I just lost my job", "help me feed my children", "im sick and and I need medicine"... If they have kids, where the heck are they? I need money too, ya know. In fact, given the average clientele through Penn Station on the given weekday morning, I think I'd fare much better with my story: "Excuse me Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention. I am currently a 3rd year law student, and I have been a full time student, consistently for 20 years. My GPA sucks, I owe the government more money than my whole family is worth combined, and I'm not even sure I want to be a lawyer anymore. Can someone please pitch in so that I may purchase a much needed pitcher of Yuengling this Thursday night?"

Sticks and stones...

Sticks and stones my break my bones, but CHUNK will NEVER hurt me! We have ALL gone through some less than cute (to say the least) phases throughout our lives. We have ALL been 8 or 9 or 13 even, and at those times when our breast buds are growing, our facial hair is sprouting, and our teeth are deciding just exactly where they would like to be situated, we are just a work in progress. I dare to say that those of us, whose "phases" were longer, or more trying than others had more work done by nature, by dermatologists or by orthodontists, and therefore had much more polished, perfected final products. Those who bawk at the "ugly duckling" are merely jealous that they, themselves, have not had the opportunity to become a swan! Ducks are, after all, a pretty much the same boring unattactive birds in the beginning of their lives and at the end, whereas that swan, will be remembered eternally FOR HER SPECTACULAR AND BREATH-TAKING TRANSFORMATION!

I have always thought that Halloween is a really good way to find out who people REALLY are. I mean, there's something to be said for people that dress as beaten up pregnant housewives or the Uni-Bomber, ya know? Or the girls that use Halloween as an excuse to dress like a slut! Well, clearly I'm just a sweet little puppy deep inside. A puppy with fleas that is!

In the beginning...

Today marks day one of what is meant to be the creation of an empire. According to Talia falls somewhere in between you innermost personal thoughts and that which you desire to scream from a roof top. Intrigued yet? Well you should be, and if you're not, then you can leave and never come back. That's the beauty of the internet- you never have to visit the same site twice. I highly recommend returning often however, as I have some terribly normal, delicious, hilarious, bland, sweet, and sometimes frightening thoughts and insight to share. Choose wisely............