Vampires are Stupid

I am constantly criticized by friends who see my absolute refusal to watch certain TV shows and movies as closed-minded and ridiculous. My all-out ban on fantasy-themed storylines, however, can be easily explained and justified. Are you ready?

I simply have no attention span for shit that can’t happen in real life.That’s it.

I feel like storylines rooted in elements of science fiction and fantasy waste my time. I have an imagination of my own. I do not need to see impossible scenarios portrayed with an ironic air of realism. I can dream very clear images of fantasy on my own, and they’d be far better than what’s on TV because they would star ME achieving all of my wildest dreams- not just glamorized characters that pop culture has decided should be regarded as chic and interesting for the moment. In no version of reality do beings with elongated eye teeth shop openly in grocery stores where they are accepted as functioning yet undead members of society. In my opinion, tales that veer this far from plausible life have no place in live action television. This is not to say that I watch only CNN and NatGeo. I watch ridiculous comedies regularly. I am big fan of both intelligent comedy (30 Rock) as well as imbecilic, borderline offensive humor (poop jokes on SNL). Further, my affinity for LOST may seem even more hypocritical of my above position, but this too I can explain. I allowed myself to become "involved" in the LOST plot line early on, when I believed it was a plausible plane crash/ castaway story. I despise the elements of LOST that make it veer from reality, namely the inexplicable smoke monster. However, I do believe the creators of LOST have done a brilliant job of logically explaining the reasons behind the island’s eccentricities. They are all rooted in science, and the fact that I am not well-versed in the laws of physics or any highly technical scientific theories, I believe it. Time travel possible because of a high magnetic charge in a uniquely polarized part of the Earth? Sure, I’ll buy it. I do know enough about humans to know that drinking blood will not cause the aging process to stop or cause one to live for hundreds of years, however, and even if there were, the rest of us with a finite life span would certainly not embrace these "people" or be cool with sitting next to one while getting our Saturday afternoon pedis.

I also believe there is something to be said for allowing my brain to relax & switch to auto pilot while my eyes glaze over and I sit in a near catatonic state while bright flashing images of Tom and Jerry roll across my TV screen. That is what REAL cartoons (those created to stimulate the growing minds of children) are for. For the record, I also dislike animated sit-coms because they have polluted an innocent genre by being erroneously lumped together with the brilliant art form cultivated by the likes of Walt Disney and Warner Brothers.

So, perhaps my reasoning is flawed, and perhaps I am completely inconsistent in casting my judgment upon televised media, but I don’t think I am. Vampires are stupid.

Magical Morning Show

If you’ve met me at least once, or if you’ve even caught a whiff of my presence on the internet, you have been made aware of the fact that I am obsessed with music. Not only am I obsessed with music, but I emote to a ridiculous degree when I listen to it. On a daily basis, the sounds that are constantly pumped into my ears cause me to moan, shriek, shout, sing, fist-pump, sway, and generally behave like a mental patient. It’s what I do: my thing.

Anyway, by the grace of God about a year ago, I stumbled upon the kexp morning show, hosted by John Richards. I am not otherwise a morning person. Each day as I set out to a less-than-desirable job in less-than-comfortable business casual attire, my head is filled with evil and malicious thoughts and feelings toward fellow New York City commuters on the subway, resentment toward my failed career aspirations, and a general sense of woe-is-me-ness. Al most nothing can snap me out of this brow-furrowing funk- ALMOST! The kexp morning show has accomplished the most impossible of missions, however. A magical man named John Richards (and occasionally Troy Nelson) has not only managed to make my mornings tolerable, but has given me a reason to (gasp) look forward to the earliest part of my day!

John’s morning show consists of a brilliant mix of independent music, new and old, as well as choice tracks from main stream musical acts spanning multiple musical eras. That bland description, however, does not do justice to the ingeniously crafted combination of music that this man puts together every morning, which, collectively, have had the effect of making me weep on more than one occasion. When John played Otis Redding’s “Ive Been Loving You too Long”, per my e-mailed request, my chest tightened and my throat went into spasm. Just last week I was compelled to send emails to my closest friends begging for their emotional support when I heard Pearl Jam’s “Black”, Dolly Parton’s “In the Ghetto”, and Iron and Wine in the same set.

Co-workers have seen me thrust my rolling desk chair back into the wall, throw my arms up in the air emphatically and bury my face in my hands on multiple occasions from the hours of 9am-12pm. This show is no joke. This radio show possesses the magical power to simultaneously weaken, yet empower me. Although I drink a huge cup of coffee and shit-ton of water when I get to work every morning, I rarely use the bathroom, for fear that I’ll miss one of the gems that John has plucked from the recesses of his collection, and offered up buffed and gleaming for me to adore.

“My God, YES! ‘Touch Me Pt. 2’, by My Morning Jacket was EXACTLY what I needed to hear right now- today in this moment! How did you know?!?!”

“Sweet mother of mercy, I did not realize how deeply and profoundly ‘Playground Love’ by Air would affect me on this Wednesday morning!”

Dear John Richards: I hope you do not think me creepy for loving your show so deeply. Please continue to make my mornings bright, when the rest of the world seems intent upon casting shadows over me.

Dear World: If you have not already, I implore you to visit kexp.org and listen to 91.5 in New York or 90.3 in Seattle. Please also make donations because this station is powered by listener contributions. If this station- this morning- show were to cease to exist, I am certain that a tiny piece of me would also. Good day, Talia