My flight out of Detroit metro this morning left at 7:23 AM, which means that my fellow passengers and I woke up pretty damn early to wait through long lines at the check in counter AND security to make it on that plane before it took off. That being said, WHO among us would want to make friends on ANY flight let alone a 1 hour flight that leaves before the sun rises?? I'll tell you who- the Jane-Ass that sat behind me on Spirit flight 316 from Detroit to New York today! (ya see what I did there? I said "Jane-Ass instead of Jack-Ass because she is female! Get it?)

Any-hoo, I get on the plane (I had a middle seat, but what-ev, I don't sweat the small stuff) and once my row was full, and I had fastened my seatbelt low and tight about my hips, I laid my head back for an attempt at a snooze. But nooooooo! I had a talker behind me, I did! We'll continue to call her "Jane". Jane is strategically placed in the center seat of the row directly behind mine. As soon as the poor fella and ladie who had the seats next to her sat down, it was off to the races! Not only was she one of those people that tells you her entire life story, assuming that you are interested, but she was ALSO one of those nosey types that tosses out a barrage of semi-inappropriate questions at whomever is closest. Ick! A double wammy!

Just so you get a feel for what I had to sit through in the 15 minutes or so WHILE WE WERE STILL ON THE GROUND I'll list the factoids that I became privvy to while simply sitting silently in my own seat, minding my own bees wax: WARNING you will NOT believe that what you are about to read was made known to me via completely unsolicited overheard conversation in the course of 15 minutes, but I guarantee you that this is no made up tale that I tell!

The things Jane wanted our fellow passengers to know about her:

1. Jane's parents live in Ohio- not Toledo, but a town near Sandusky (home of Cedar Point Amusement Park)

2. Jane was in town for Christmas visiting her parents (I can only imagine what sort of chatter goes on at their house at Christmas! They must serve losenges instead of ham in order to properly lubricate overworked vocal cords)

3. Jane (and apparently others in her home town) flies through Detroit because its cheaper than flying into Toledo. (ya don't say? I'll remember that when I plan my next trip to the Sandusky area the day after NEVER)

4. Jane now lives in Myrtle Beach, and has a layover in New York.

5. Jane is a sales associate in Myrtle Beach, a job which she took on only after discovering that the modeling industry was not for her (see further details below re: modeling).

6. Jane was dropped off at the Myrtle Beach airport (and will be picked up today) by a rather unlucky fellow who she has only gone on a few dates with. Jane does not like him all that much but she is using him for a ride (obnoxious self-righteous giggles ensue from Jane upon divulgence of this fact)

7. Jane recently purchased a refurbished lap top, but is not too technologically savvy. In fact, when Jane's new man offered to purchase her a wireless card for said laptop, she adamently refused, finding the thought simply absurd! She would, after all, just as soon take her beloved cat with her on trips than a laptop. (At this point I became shocked that Jane was so enamoured by a cat- she does NOT seem the type to speak to animals as if they were people, and carry them around with her wherever she goes for constant attention from a helpless warm body.)

8. Jane purchased the laptop because she had previously used the desktop computer which belonged to her ex-boyfriend, whom she dated for 3 years. Jane feels as though she wasted 3 years of her life with the wrong guy. (I am very sad for Jane. She is so friendly, I don't know what would make her ex break up with her. I am also very sad for Jane's ex boyfriend who was probably hospitalized from either having choked on or suffocated in cat hair-remember she brings kitty everywhere- or a severely damaged ear brought on from constant chatter).

9. Approximately 3-4 years ago, Jane moved from Ohio to New York to pursue modeling. She had an agent. When you are a model, you MUST have an agent. However, when Jane tried to do monologues for commercials and such, she became nervous and would forget her own name. This is quite unusual for Jane because she was very active in theater and choir in high school. Due to this incapacity to do anything right (and perhaps also due to the fact that Jane resembles ex NBA star Larry Bird in stature, pants size, and facial bone structure) she called it quits and left NYC.

10. Before settling on her sales job in Myrtle Beach, Jane interviewed for a position as a flight attendent on a very small plane, a "puddle-jumper" she called it. Apparently Jane was the only lady who not only displayed the charisma and skill necessary to serve soda in plastic cups to travelers, but also had a college degree. Sadly for Jane, however the interviewers measured her, and upon discovery that she was 5'9'', broke the news to her that she simply would not fit in such a small plane because the maximum height they were looking for in a potential flight attendant was 5'8''. (I am sure they were crushed when they realized that they could have staffed the Mohammed Ali of aircraft hospitality, but them's the breaks!)

In all fairness, I must give Jane credit where credit is due. She wasn't 100% self absorbed. She did manage to ask the travelers seated next to her where their parents lived, where they lived, what their current jobs were, where they went to school, whether they had roomates and if so what did their roomates do for a living, and whether they had agents, because afterall in her experience, you simply MUST have an agent!

At this point we TOOK OFF, and I was able to block her out by the sound of roaring engines and eventually the sweet relief of my ipod tunes. To Jane I say this: It was very interesting learning about your life story, albeit indirectly, in such a short time frame on the plane this morning. Please call me whenever you plan to fly to the midwest, and I will be SURE to lock myself in my bedroom huddled in a ball on the floor of my room, rocking back and forth and tearfully screaming your name.