Vampires are Stupid

I am constantly criticized by friends who see my absolute refusal to watch certain TV shows and movies as closed-minded and ridiculous. My all-out ban on fantasy-themed storylines, however, can be easily explained and justified. Are you ready?

I simply have no attention span for shit that can’t happen in real life.That’s it.

I feel like storylines rooted in elements of science fiction and fantasy waste my time. I have an imagination of my own. I do not need to see impossible scenarios portrayed with an ironic air of realism. I can dream very clear images of fantasy on my own, and they’d be far better than what’s on TV because they would star ME achieving all of my wildest dreams- not just glamorized characters that pop culture has decided should be regarded as chic and interesting for the moment. In no version of reality do beings with elongated eye teeth shop openly in grocery stores where they are accepted as functioning yet undead members of society. In my opinion, tales that veer this far from plausible life have no place in live action television. This is not to say that I watch only CNN and NatGeo. I watch ridiculous comedies regularly. I am big fan of both intelligent comedy (30 Rock) as well as imbecilic, borderline offensive humor (poop jokes on SNL). Further, my affinity for LOST may seem even more hypocritical of my above position, but this too I can explain. I allowed myself to become "involved" in the LOST plot line early on, when I believed it was a plausible plane crash/ castaway story. I despise the elements of LOST that make it veer from reality, namely the inexplicable smoke monster. However, I do believe the creators of LOST have done a brilliant job of logically explaining the reasons behind the island’s eccentricities. They are all rooted in science, and the fact that I am not well-versed in the laws of physics or any highly technical scientific theories, I believe it. Time travel possible because of a high magnetic charge in a uniquely polarized part of the Earth? Sure, I’ll buy it. I do know enough about humans to know that drinking blood will not cause the aging process to stop or cause one to live for hundreds of years, however, and even if there were, the rest of us with a finite life span would certainly not embrace these "people" or be cool with sitting next to one while getting our Saturday afternoon pedis.

I also believe there is something to be said for allowing my brain to relax & switch to auto pilot while my eyes glaze over and I sit in a near catatonic state while bright flashing images of Tom and Jerry roll across my TV screen. That is what REAL cartoons (those created to stimulate the growing minds of children) are for. For the record, I also dislike animated sit-coms because they have polluted an innocent genre by being erroneously lumped together with the brilliant art form cultivated by the likes of Walt Disney and Warner Brothers.

So, perhaps my reasoning is flawed, and perhaps I am completely inconsistent in casting my judgment upon televised media, but I don’t think I am. Vampires are stupid.