What's with pantyhose?

How come there is no equivalent torture device that is a generally accepted daily staple of men's business attire? Ok, I understand that men don't usually (and I use "usually" very loosely) wear skirts, but why? Is it because of the penis? If so, I feel like we, as a society, should get over it, if only for the mere fact that MEN, like WOMEN, should have to subject themselves to the uncomfortable stuffed sausage feeling of pantyhoes on a regular basis! Afterall, how many men would really run into a decency issue with regard to their member actually hanging BELOW the hemline of a work-length skirt, even if they DID go commando?? My guess is NONE.

I wage this war on fashion norms because yesterday, I had to wear a suit to work (ick I hate dressing "professionally") and since it was a skirt suit, and it is winter, and I consider myself (at least sometimes) to be a classy dame, I wore pantyhose. After much bending, stretching, and essential squatting maneuvers, I pulled the circulation preventing article over my curvy physique. I'll admit, my legs looked quite shapely in the stockings (although I felt much like a stuffed sausage ready to burst from my casing with even the slightest poke) BUT, the top of the hosiery ALWAYS causes a problem for me! One option is to pull the waist band up OVER my tummy blubber, which initially seems like a good idea because, from a standing position, I appear rather svelte. However, the first time I bend even slightly or exhale, the stockings ROLL down below my tummy, creating a tube like apparatus of rolled nylon material around my midsection which is both uncomfortable and unsightly. Not to mention the "muffin top" that is then allowed to spill over the waist band. Double yuck! If I, in the alternative, position the waistband low and tight about my hips (yes, I stole that language from the flight attendant shpiel) I begin to ROLL down...my midsection then resembles a droopy, saggy, and depressing Salvatore Dali painting, and again, looks like crappola!

To survive the day, I chose to hike the stockings up as high as I could, forcing myself to take the shallowest of breaths all day long and sit completely upright for 12 hours as if I had a puppeteer's forearm in my ass so as to avoid the above mentioned tube of nylon which would inevitably roll downward if I should falter. Needless to say, I will not be accepting any job position in the future which would require me to carry on this absurdity on a daily basis. I would rather be a garbage collector. Thanks for listening...