Please be aware...

This is a letter opener. They are important. Normally I would not succumb to such frivolity as the use of a letter opener. After all, most normal envelopes open just fine if you stick your finger in the corner and briskly rip. Oh, I know I run the risk of incurring a paper cut, but I live on the edge when it comes to opening mail, and I'm pretty much a badass in this department- I thrive on these dangerous thrills.

Today though, I have discovered the main reason we should all be using letter openers. I invite you to close your mind to the possibility of other reasons for which to rely on a letter opener, and instead, rest your decision to use one exclusively from now on, on the following story:

Today, I was sitting at my desk at work, opening a shit ton of mail addressed to a man who has been dead for a year. FYI, if you think that the National World WarII Museum and the Special Olympics will stop expecting you to buy annual calendars from them when you have left this Earth, you are sadly mistaken. Anyway, I'm opening a shit ton of mail (a shit ton is a unit of measurement most commonly used by individuals born between 1978-1985. It means a large quantity). I am, of course, using my badass, trusty self assured method of opening said mail, with the old "finger in the corner, upward rip, motion", as I usually do. Suddenly, I notice that my confidence and quick pace has caused me to be a bit careless, as I have managed to slice myself with the envelope edge, right in the webbing between my index and middle fingers, causing a pretty nasty paper cut.

I assume we ALL know what the universally accepted remedy for a paper cut is- licking said wound until bleeding has ceased. This becomes tricky, however when you've got a cut that is positioned in between your index and middle finger, however. You see where I'm going with this....that's right....I had to engage in a lewd and obscene gesture in order to take care of this particular paper cut! Mortified, and fearful of being discovered in one of the most offensive and office-inappropriate actions imaginable, I, naturally bend down and hide under my desk, to carry out the deed.

I successfully stopped the bleeding and narrowly escaped being caught this time around, but imagine the consequences if I had been discovered openly licking my awkward paper cut by a co-worker! Worse yet, imagine if someone had caught me hiding under my desk to do the licking! I shudder at the mere thought!

I've put in my order for the next shipment from Staples: Pretzel rods in a bulk plastic container, medium binder clips, and ONE STANDARD SWINGLINE LETTER OPENER PLEASE!!!!