You want reasons, do ya?

This morning a friend directed my attention to Radar Magazine's list of 100 Reasons You're Still Single, which was absolutely hilarious, if not enlightening! Some of my favorites were:

7. Wink in a rakish manner each time you tell a joke,
39. Take off work each year to celebrate Cinco de Mayo; are Irish
57. Own a 60-inch flat-screen plasma television but sleep on a broken futon
82. Have cellulite on your face

So, I have been inspired to come up with my own little list. Just in case you were wondering, here are a few things I will not tolerate:
10 Reasons You are Not Dating ME:
1. You have red hair. Not just reddish hair. I'm talking about seriously red hair that is almost orange and comes with a smattering of freckles all over your body. Its a matter of personal preference. I do not feel the need to explain myself, but you can watch Cartman's report on Ginger Kids if you don't understand.
2. You own and have worn a Grateful Dead t-shirt but don't know any of their music. Thinking "those wacky bears" are cool does not earn you the right to wear a Dead shirt.
3. You think Pearl Jam's last album was Vitalogy. Not only this but you immediately think of Jeremy when someone mentions the band. That's like saying Jim Carrey's artistic peak was Once Bitten. Its a completely illogical and unforgivable statement to make unless you've spent the past 10 years in a coma.
4. You have some sort of weird food issue. Lactose intolerance, vegetarians, crazy allergies that make it impossible for us to eat dinner at the same place are a deal breaker. Mamma likes her yum yums.
5. You are jealous of Beth and our toothbrush arrangements. She's given me my own head for her electrical toothbrush. In turn, she keeps a spare in my medicine cabinet. Its not weird. It does not mean we kiss.
6. You snap when you dance. This relationship is not big enough for two snappers. You gots to go!
7. You forget where your own home is. Unless you're paying my rent (or at least part of it), you should probably leave when I want to go to bed. Also, at no time is it ok for you to leave any of your personal belongings at my apartment. If you do, I will assume that you have meant to throw them out, and I will do so for you.
8. You use phrases such as "and whatnot", "it is what it is", or "say what?" These are dumb. Whatnot isn't even a word. Of course it is what it is, there is no need to say so. Unless, you are a jazz musician from the 50s, "say what" requires additional verbs and pronouns in order to fly.
9. You carry around a duffel bag in the trunk of your car with pictures of you and hot naked chicks from your spring break trip in 2000. Seriously? Nothing cool has happened to you since then? Awww.
10. You display sports jerseys on the wall in your home in lieu of artwork. It was made with head hole and sleeves so that it could be worn on a normal human body. It belongs in your closet next to your Old Navy Carpenter Jeans from the 90s and your leather jacket with the elastic at the bottom (also reason's you won't be getting your flirt on with me any time soon).