Things I just CANNOT handle!

Dude. Ok. I have to give myself some serious props for having developed into a pretty easy going person of late, compared to the uuber high-strung, overly emotional bitch monster that I was from approximately 2002-2005 (we'll call these "the law school years"). But, honestly, I don't have sh!t to complain about these days (especially since I successfully won a judgment against a former landlord that was trying to misappropriate money from my roomates and I). I have minimal worries, and therefore, minimal aggravation-induced rants. I'm a virtual peach. I swear. Nevertheless, there are a few things that still get me riled up. Things that, no matter how little life irritates me on a daily basis, will get my blood boiling in under 10 seconds. These things are my pet peeves, of sorts, and are what out me as a former princess of impatience:

1. SLURPING. Slurping of anything, at any time, is unacceptable. Serioiusly? Why? Isn't your intention in having purchaced the coffee in that cup, to have it end up in your stomach? Ok, then why do you spend so much time audibly forcing said beverage through the spaces between your teeth? I don't know about you, but I learned within my first 24 hours on this planet that opening my mouth was the best way to get stuff down my throat and into my stomach. It is not a difficult concept to comprehend. F*cking swallow it already, so that I can cease fantasizing about stabbing you in the temple with a mechanical pencil. See, look what you've turned me into!

2. Singing out loud in inappropriate public situations. Friday night I was at the gym (I know, I'm a nerd) and as I was trying to get through my situps, there was a woman on an eliptical machine approximately 3 feet behind me listening to her ipod, and every few seconds she'd loudly blurt out a word or two from the song- usually "Whoooa" or "Yeaaaahhhh". Not only did it startle me every time, because she was singing off-pitch (no matter what song she was listening to) and because it was so damn loud. Is she retarded? Does she not understand that we can all hear her? She must, right? So then it would follow that she assumes that we wouldn't mind said outbursts. Really? REALLY? What would that crowded gym sound like if everyone in there sang out loud to their ipods? It would be f*cking terrible! Shut the F up, dude! Ipods don't come standard with a microphone. This is because they are intended for you to listen to on your own, NOT sing out loud to everyone within ear shot. Have a little respect for pete's sake! Oh, and you're not fooling anyone with your full face of makeup and your hair down at the GYM! Please, if you were there for the right reason, you'd wash your face and pull that raggedy hair back. Riiiight, the trainers find you attractive, is that it? Tons of dates acquired at the gym? Uh huh.

Another example: This morning I got on the crowded R train, and stood directly accross from a woman, also listening to her ipod, who was dancing (fine, as long as you don't invade my personal space) and singing out loud to her music. No. Unacceptable. AND, when I looked up from my book to see who was the cause of the squawking she had the nerve to give ME a dirty look! Am I taking crazy pills? You're f*cking with me, right? If we wanted to hear you sing, we would pay a cover charge and come listen to you at a local venue (notice I am not jumping out of my seat to do so). Your mama might tell you that you have a lovely singing voice, but I will not. Because you don't. Shut up.

Ok, thats enough. I feel better now. I swear, I'm a lovely person :)