Chinese buses, drag queens and time travel!

We east coast free spirits (without cars) must find creative and affordable ways to travel from point A to point B. Some rent cars, some take trains, and the really really cheap ones (myself included) take creepy buses, driven by Chinese immigrants from Chinatown in lower Manhattan to Chinatown in Boston, Philadelphia, and DC.

I braved the roadways this past weekend, and caught the funny bus to DC. The trip down was rather uneventful. Aside from the cramped quarters and rude passengers who occasionally spoke loudly on cell phones. I listened to music, snoozed, gazed out the window, and soon enough found myself in "The District" ready to party.

My visit would be a short but memorable one, filled with beer, surprise appearances, time machines (sorta literally), more beer, the worlds slowest sushi, and green wigs. While participating in an early St. Patrick's day pub crawl in Old Town Alexandria, a place known for its old fashioned buildings and general quaint appearance, I came face to face with the Delorean- from Back to the Future. For real. It was parked in the middle of a closed street as part of a gimmick, and shone in all its 1985 glory! I must have stepped inside and dialed myself away because the weekend seemed to effortlessly transport me backward in time and space as I looked into faces I had not seen in years and spent time with old friends as if the passing years had been mere minutes instead. Remarkable, actually.

Anyway, my weekend ended on Sunday afternoon, when I boarded the same Chinatown bus back to New York, with an interesting group of teenage, gangsta, drag queens. Believe me, dear reader, I do not exaggerate. These gir- uh, guys(?) were unique to say the least. One of them, the one with the rather attractive blond and black weave, went by the moniker, Vuitton- as in Louis Vuitton, I would presume. Anywhoo, these queens were loud, sometimes funny, but completely undesired by me, as I had not slept well in over a week, was hungover as all hell, and wanted to get the eff back to my beautiful New York City! As if just being in the presence of a group of rowdy queens was not annoying enough, with their constant obnoxious and lude comments spoken very deliberately loudly enough for all passengers to hear, I was in for quite a treat!

Not only did my trusty Chinese bus make an unannounced stopover in Philadelphia, but, halfway through the trip it started to experience some transmission troubles, grinding to an abrupt halt just inside the state limits of New Jersey. Can you imagine what a loud, uninhibited group of drag queens would have to say in the face of adversity such as this?! They took turns making racial slurs against the entire population of China, and marching up and down the aisle, demading answers. The bus became chaos! Another woman, began pounding her fist on the bus window to get the attention of the driver who, unable to speak English, left us all to guess what the hold up was, and stood outside smoking cigarettes. The tall, crazy-haired man sitting in front of her became quickly annoyed and, made matters worse by telling the woman that her knocking was unnecessary and "unprofessional". Other passengers were required to break up the shouting match that ensued, and was punctuated by shouts and cat calls from the queens sitting in the back.

How did I end up here!? What could I do? Laugh! The whole chaotic mess was supremely hilarious- hightened by my dreamy recipe of nostalgic content, sleep deprivation, and increased blood alcohol level. At any rate, I passed the nearly two hours it took us, sitting on the side of the NJ Turnpike waiting for a new bus, by giggling like an asshole and texting the play by play to eager friends. When our new bus arrived, there were conveniently not enough seats for us all, and two of the queens were asked to sit on over-turned buckets in the aisle! Oh boy! They began threatening law suits, and shouting insults at the bus driver, who brushed them off and got us on the road without missing a beat (I believe they stood the entire remainder of the trip instead of sitting on the buckets). Buckets! How perfectly glorious! When we finally arrived in NYC, the queens stormed out of the bus in a flurry of screeches and thrown water bottles. I busted the heck out of there as quickly as possible, still smiling from my experience.

Will I take the Chinese bus again? Damn skippy! Its the cheapest way to get around, and full of unscripted "real" life entertainment. I highly recommend it! Now, where do you suppose I can rent me one of those Deloreans??? ;)